Iam not Bipolar

friends of me said " you are bipolar." but i think am not
i can say yes easily
and i like this answer
when i am in the high mood
i feel life is perfect
and wow
but i never be manic
you can say i be hypo manic

i like to spend all the money I've
i like to make everybody happy
i see everybody beautiful
i walk
i Run
i scream
i laugh
i may dance

when i be in my depressive mood ( which is almost most of the time)
i don't be in severe depression
up to suicide
although i think a lot about suicide
what makes me not to attempt it??
because i am a Muslim
i believe in what Allah (3z w jal) said
so i don't want to suffer in life & after life ( by dying as a disbeliever )
ok

this may make me bipolar
but am not having bipolar disorder
because my life is continuing
and my studies isn't affected

my social life is affected

yes I've many friends that i cannot remember all their names
but i don't have one close friend
or intimate

why that??
i don't trust people
i just to be frank with myself don't feel comfortable when i become close to someone

that doesn't ever mean that i think people are bad
i always see the good part in them
and
even if anybody missed with me , hundreds of excuses are made for that one ( by me) saying ( et7'z le27'eek sab3een 3ozran).i don't remember the bad things made against me
and even if i remember that doesn't affect my relation with that one , because i think that whatever they do , i will not be affected ( in my thoughts not life) , they who will lose and they who will win .( about self respect i talk)


ok
i am not bipolar

i am also not borderline

although
i can't have friends
as i said I've hundreds of them but they are not friends
so that makes me not borderline disorder

i also hurt myself
yes
i scratch her
i hit her
i punish her
i bite her
i take off her hair

but not up to seeing blood
some times i prick her and i see a drop of blood or something

but i am not disfiguring her

i luv her to be pretty

yes
every time my personality changes
and they say ( my family) am not stable

but i am not borderline personality disorder

i maybe cyclothymic
but i am not

i am not paranoid
although
am being sensitive , but i try not to show this
i think am having pride , but i try not to be because i knew ( mn kan fe qalbehe zartan mn kebr fa hoa fe alnar ) so i try not to be , although ( my family ) says i am .

i am not schizoid
although i love to be alone in many occasions

i am not oppressive compulsive
although i have thoughts and orders to hurt people , hurt myself , do somethings
i sometimes obey and many not
but i am not
because my room isn't tidy
and my life is messy
and am called messy Girl

i don't know what am i.

i don't know

i need help
i need psychiatrist
but when a friend of me said : shall we go?
i became frightened
and i said no,i can handle it
although i cannot

i love the idea that i am ill
and i have disorder
it takes off all the blame and guilt directed toward me

but actually , i am not ill and am not having disorder
i am guilty
i deserve it
i deserve all the consequences
cause i walked toward it

i love pain
although i hate it

i love people
i don't love people

i love myself
i hate myself

i love life
i don't love life

i want to die
am afraid of death

i love mother
i don't obey her

i love to be a good girl
i do bad stuff

i dunno what i want
i dunno what i need

i have no freaking idea about what's going inside me

they said to me " fix yourself , before asking people to treat you good >"
i say " i don't know how to fix her"
they said " be good girl , ehtedy "
i said " i swear , i pray everyday " ya rab ehdeny"
i don't change
i cry when i read a verse
or hear a verse
or listen to a story of ( alsalf alsale7)
or when the Emam prays

i shiver
i say i will change
but i don't

i don't change
i say " i will do this and that , and stop doing this and that"
and after i start , i stop
i dunno why i stop
and how i stop

when i take one step forward
myself - which is me- takes twice backwards

i change in the look
how i wear
how i treat foreigners
how i deal with old age
how i treat youngsters

but my home
my family
i guess
they hate me
not because they hate me( they are good people and everybody loves them , even me ) it's my deeds

they hate my deeds
they don't love it
because i treat them badly

the prophet ( peace be upon him ) said : khayrokom , khayrokom le2ahleh , wa 2ana khyrokom le 2hly .

i am not treating them good

i try
but i cannot handle it

i am not patient

when i sit in my room while they are chitchatting in other room , laugh , cwarel or whatever
i feel i wanna join them
but i don't
and because i don't join them

when i decide to do it
they disgrace me
they say : why you're out of your snail

i turn worse
i treat them worse
i feel more guilt
i feel more pain
i deserve more pain

sick me

i need a deep breath then i need to die

i wish can die in peace
but peace is not for those who have sins like mountains

yes i know ,
لو تبت تتبدل السيئات حسنات
بس انا مبتوبش توبة نصوحة
وكل ما اقول هتوب توبة نصوحة مبكملهاش
وبرجع تاني للغلط

يارب
انت قلت
قل يا عبادي ومقولتش قل يا ايها المؤمنون
قلت الذين اسرفوا على انفسهم و مقولتش الذين يفعلون الخير دائماً
قلت لا تقنطوا من رحمة الله و مقولتش مفيش أمل

يا رب
انت العالم بحالي
وانت العالم ان كلماتي مبتعرفش توصفني
و العالم بذنوبي
يا رب
اهديني
انا محتاجة اهتدي يا رب
يا رب انت القادر انك تجعلني احسن
انا هحاول يا رب
وانت العالم
ساعدني يا رب
انا فعلاً محتاجاك

when i think that this life is nothing
and worthless
and
i will just live few years in comparison with the eternity - in heaven or hell- in the other life
i say
what da hell am i doing?
but
few days go
and i turn my back to what i said before
and i become dipped in life

offffffffffffff

sick

EW

i need to go
i know when i publish this
i will remove the cover from myself
but i will try to face the world with the real me ( starting with my blog ,may turn into the real world , as some of the people that i know , knows about this blog and visit it sometimes )

this is not me completely


frustrated؟؟
nope

i just felt

peace

and i wanted to discuss my state

i am quiet good ( not perfect) a7med Rby
i will become better insha2 Allah
some day
as long as i keep trying

i will fail
i will succeed
i will do
insha2 Allah

just pray for me

salam

محدش يتسائل أنا لية بكتب بالزنجليعي
لإني مش عارفة لحد دلوقتي
انا مصرية
لغتي الام العربية
فاشلة في االنجليزي
و في العربي كمان
و مبستخدمش الانجليزي أصلا
حتى في امتحانات الشفوي لما دكتور بيقولي اتكلمي انجليزي مبقولش جملة على بعضها بالانجليزي
ليه بقة بفكر بالانجليزي ساعات
معرفش